CCSG Chapter 9: Christian Entertainment and Bookstores [Part 2]

This is a continuation of my previous post on the topic.

Again, if you are interested, read about this series of posts here, The Christian Culture Survival Guide.

I left off last time talking about Christian movies and music, and today I'm going to talk about Christian television.

I used to watch the Trinity Broadcasting Network, which is a 24-hour, 7 days a week Christian programming network.  There are Christian made for television movies, televangelists, televised church sermons, Saturday morning Christian cartoons, weekday night "pledge infomercials", etc.  I even remember a few of the televangelists that had regular appearances, such as Rod Parsley, Joel Osteen, Dan and Paula Crouch, T.D. Jakes, Ed Young, John Hagee, Eddie Long, etc.

Although these people have a great number of Christian fans, they are not without ridicule.  Many of them are known for their "prosperity gospel", and Joel Osteen is the biggest culprit.  As a matter of fact, I recently saw a Rapture Ready forum post talking about the man, and how he has been sent from the devil himself to preach a false gospel.  Of course, if you take a look at his main points (graciously provided by one of the forum members), they are:

1) Have a positive attitude toward ourselves- (because sin is so offensive...we all have such beautiful potential yaknow)


2) Develop better relationships..(but he fails to mention the only relationship that has the capability to produce change and better "us"es....Hmm...Jesus ...)


3) Embrace where we are: ( yes, and if we listen to him, we most likely are on the wide road leading straight to hell..how caring of him)

Joel Osteen actually preaches that we should develop better relationships, have positive attitudes, and embrace life... If you ask me, he's way better than anybody else on the normal broadcasting schedule.  He doesn't sound half bad, considering the fact that he's often roasted for cutting out a lot of the Jesus crap from his messages (although, not entirely God-fluff free).  At the very least, he's better than this guy.




To cut the crap, TBN was founded by Christians Paul and Jan Crouch, and Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker.  It now seems that it is run by Paul and Jan, since you see their faces the most (perhaps I may be wrong, since the last time I spent too long in this channel was a while ago).

Here is the Mr. Turner's four ideas to help TBN (since I have to bring this back to the book somehow):

1.  Lose the wig.  (Just look at that photo).

2.  New musical talent.  (Seriously, I never even heard of the people who used to play music on this network, even when I was a Christian.  And they were bland.)

3.  Less crying, and more compelling storytelling.

4.  Encourage to give, rather than guilt.  (This is a huge criticism of televangelists).

There you have it.  That's pretty much what the whole chapter comes down to, since the end is just a short couple of paragraphs talking about Christian bookstores, and a list telling you what you can do with all of those "WWJD" bracelets you have.

There is one thing I do one to quote (for the sake of quoting, really), and it's the third item on the chapter's last list (which is three Jesus branded crap that Christians would have been better off never creating).

Right below the "Test-a-mints", and Jabez crapolla, just to leave you with something to think about, here is...

3.  The "Fish Eating Darwin" car decal - Everywhere you look, there's a tan mini-van with the "Jesus fish eating the Darwin thingy" pasted on its bum. Why did we lower ourselves to the standards of evolution? [Pg. 130].

CCSG Chapter 9: Christian Entertainment and Bookstores [Part 1]

Read about this series of posts here, The Christian Culture Survival Guide.

Christianity is an industry, as well as a religion.  I'd like to say it began a while ago, when people first started to sing in churches; the music that was played was considered Christian, and fit enough to grace the ears of the Almighty one.  Or, perhaps it started in art (but then again, many will be quick to note that the reason for this was that those with the money to fund artistic endeavors were also those preaching and serving in the pews).  Or maybe the Christian industry is really a relatively recent thing, something that was brought about by the rise of television and radio.  Christians now have their own brand of everything, really, and no doubt this helps Christians to stay in their own bubbles and never come out.

When you go to watch the television, there are channels such as the Trinity Broadcast Network that plays exclusively Christian programming all day, every day.  Their is even a version of this channel aimed at the more youthful Christians, JC-TV, that is pretty much a Christian MTV.  Speaking of music, there are Christian music record labels aimed at providing Christian only content, and rightfully so.  With the hash of Christian fundamentalists claiming that the world belongs to the devil, no wonder Christians want to reside within their on circles.  The world is a scary place, and these good Christian labels are here to help discriminate between what belongs to Satan, and what praises God.

Hell, there are even Christian movies too (ones you don't really hear about), and don't get me started on the horde of Christian books as well.

But I do agree that these Christian directors, producers, publishers. are allowed to create films, music, and books for whatever public they want; it is their right to do so, and I do not want to take that away from them.  I really don't mind much, actually.  I'm sure if I were a Christian trying to abstain from the evil of the world, I'd be particularly set on only watching, reading, listening to Christian media.

Mr. Turner, the author of the book, discusses how Christianity seems to be a few years behind its contemporary secular partner in the entertainment industry.  He also makes the point of saying that Christian products are not usually creative, harping on other avenues for inspiration.  The end result is usually corny.

A big message in the book to Christian entertainers (the musicians) is that just because you're Christians does not mean you can't go out and have a blast... or something like that.  Really, saying "Praise the Lord" and the like every five minutes gets boring.  Christians are humans, and they want to enjoy those twenty-five dollars they spent to go to your concert.  (Of course, who can blame anybody for buyers remorse after listening to "Open the Eyes of My Heart", and "How Great is Our God").

According to Mr. Turner, here are five ways of making yourself a better Christian entertainer: 

1.  Remember your audience

2. Remember your budget

3.  Remember your story

4.  Remember your reason

5.  Remember your creator

Really, it all sums down to "Put God first", which of course is what every good Christian should do.  And not just in music, but movies too!

Here is Mr. Turner's five five must-dos when watching a Christian movie:

1.  To make the time go by quicker, watch it with a Christian friend. 

2.  Even though you know you could make a better script, refrain from stating the obvious.


3.  Have a strong drink ready, and by strong drink the author means coffee.


4.  Look past the shitty action scenes.


5.  Make the last few minutes optional.


I appreciate the fact that this Christian author decided to poke fun (albeit while being truthful) about the Christian movie industry.  How many of you have read "Left Behind"?  We all know Kirk Cameron as the washed out teen actor from Growing Pains, who now assists Ray Comfort in promoting his Way of the Master television program, and the crocoduck myth; however, Kirk Cameron was one of the stars of the movie rendition of the Left Behind series, which you can view a trailer of by clicking here.  He also starred in the movie "Fireproof", which has a cheesy website by the name "Fireproof my marriage" that has all sorts of articles that you can use to protect your nice Christian marriage... but that's besides the point.  These two movies by Kirk Cameron are obviously tailored for Christian audiences, and even within that circle only cater to the fundamentalists (or those who like watching crap films).  Sure, these movies may not have completely flopped, but that's only because there is a great many people who do not want to leave the bubble.

CCSG Chapter 8: Dating

A while ago, I started a project revolving around a book titled the "Christian Culture Survival Guide", which was actually written from a Christian. For some reason, or another, I never finished it off. So, after several months, I decided to finally finish this project, and to redo a certain topic that deserves much more attention from me (instead of just a cheesy music video)- Christian dating.

So, if you're interested, again, read about this series of posts here, The Christian Culture Survival Guide.

Seven Types of Guys (for Girls to choose from) in a Christian Culture:

You know, I'm actually not particularly familiar with this list- I guess the author believes he's so knowledgeable in the field of Christian dating that he actually knows the types of Christian fellows that exist that nice Christian gals to take.. or something like that. Well, in order to not discriminate between information, here you go (just in case there is a nice Christian lady reading):

1. The Jesus Jock:
So, this guy isn't really an athlete- unless you call becoming increasingly annoying is a sport. He's the sort of guy involved in various church activities, campus groups, says "praise Jesus", blah blah blah... A tosser, generally. For Christians, he's the perfect man. Maybe he'll attend a seminary someday, become a preacher, and then fuck his life over. Unless you think becoming a preacher is a good thing.

2. The Unattractive Nice Guy:
Pretty self explanatory, really. This guy has probably read the bible, and whilst not the top theologian in the world, has a general grounding in biblical knowledge. But, like the title says, he's unattractive.

3. The "Do you think...?" Guy:
Basically, people don't know whether this type of person is gay or "bi-curious" (the author's word). Hence, "do you think". Either way, if he's not into women, what makes him qualified to be in a list for Christian women? Oh yeah, because Christians think they can "cure" homosexuality. Just ask Ted Haggard. .

4. The Big Brother:
Knowledgeable, normal, and well mannered. He doesn't belong on this list, either, because according to the author, this person has had a steady girlfriend since the age of seventeen, and is looking to marry after graduating college. (Spoiler: This guy will become a youth pastor).

5. The "Bad Christian" Boy:
Pandering to the notion that women are attracted to rebels, this Christian is a long time Church goer, but gets kicked out of private school for his vanities (drugs). He's a construction worker (for some reason), making ten bucks an hour.

6. The My So Called Life Music Guy:
Blah blah blah, he has shoulder length hair, tries to act quasi-intelligent, and claims to like "Mozart and Nirvana."

7. The Extreme Guy:
Extreme because he goes to bible retreats, and skateboards. How exhilarating.

So, that list isn't so great. But, do not fret, because the author has provided a list of Christian women us Christian guys would like to date. There is only one problem... I'm not a Christian.

1. The Jesus Cheerleader:
Pretty much fits the stereotype of a regular cheerleader, but she's a Christian. Pretty much, all of the girls in this video. She marries the "big brother" type of guy, apparently.

2. The Tomboy:
Again, just a regular tomboy mold who happens to be Christian.

3. The Early Bloomer:
Yep, this Christian girl has "the goods", and has kissed all the guys in youth group. At least, I heard that in a rumor going around bible study. She marries a jerk, and becomes re-re-born in her twenties.

4. Miss Codependent:
Sheltered upbringing, chases after the popular guy, and actively seeks attention.
Creepy, really. Mostly because of the sheltered upbringing.

5. The Home School Girl:
Yep, she's home schooled. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but she receives a strictly Christian education. That doesn't stop her from being involved in various clubs. She starts dating when she's twenty two, for some reason.

6. The Sweet Innocent One:
Nice, says hello, likes the bible, is boring. All these Christian women are beginning to look like vanilla.

7. "All about ME" Girl:
Center of attention, it's all about her. My rehashing of these descriptions is getting lazier and lazier.

8. The Premature Mother:
A mother without kids. End of story.

You know, I used to attend a service that had strict rules on dating. I always thought this was restrictive, and that a Church shouldn't care about the dating life of it's congregants- however, since God apparently cares about everything, it became a big deal.

"Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness?" (2 Cor. 6:14, KJV).

This generally applies to dating outside of the faith. Or, having friends outside of the faith. Either way, it was strictly followed. Aside from this, many people made pacts to date Jesus. This is actually briefly talked about in the book, but I always found this sentiment strange. Does God know you're dating his son? Is Jesus allowed to date? I don't think it counts, and if you date Jesus, you pretty much have an imaginary boyfriend.

To move on, the rest of the chapter pretty much can be summed up with:

Christians think sex is a taboo subject,  you should consider investing in chastity belts until you meet your future spouse, and some more lists that I don't care enough to sum up (trust me, it's better off that I didn't).

With that said, that pretty much sums up chapter 8 of the Christian Culture Survival Guide.  Next will be the talk about Christian entertainment and bookstores.

CCSG Chapter 8: Dating

Read about this series of posts here, The Christian Culture Survival Guide.

After reading the chapter, and being stricken by apathy towards the topic of Christian relationships, I've decided to now half-ass this blog post and show you a rap video about "rolling" with atheists. I don't generally listen to this type of music, and the video is a bit cheesy, but it's better than nothing (and perhaps mildly entertaining, at the very least).

CCSG Chapter 7: Boycotts and Extremes [Part 2]

Read about this series of posts here, The Christian Culture Survival Guide.

There’s a saying that can vaguely be summarized as this- “Any publicity is good publicity”. When the first Dan Brown book to be filmed The Da Vinci Code was going to be released, there were protests from Christian groups calling it blasphemy. Aside from that, there were poor reviews all over the place (the movie holds a 24% rating at Rotten Tomatoes); the movie, however, did fairly well its opening release weekend. The reason was publicity, and all the Christian protesters were really doing was helping give this film more publicity. Christian boycotts don’t work much; what they do is spark curiosity in the people who hear their message, which in turn may make the person participate in the very thing the Christian boycotts are against. Let's face it, even the protesters may indulge in the very thing they claim to be against (I remember one Christian telling me he went to see the Da Vinci Code because he wanted to know what lies the adversity was spewing this time).

Sometimes, what these people protest against baffles us. They boycott things that can be so minuscule, so small, it matters to nobody but them. Take this christian webpage, for example, which makes it its mission to denounce rock music. Yes, this includes Christian Rock and secular Rock. In regards to Christians replying to the allegations that Christian Rock is evil, one of the site masters had this to say:

In an effort to return to the immediate topic at hand, Paul Turner gives us a list of three signs that indicate we may be about to make an erroneous decision.

1. You're going to do it because everybody else is doing it.
2. If you're doing it based on emotions.
3. If you're doing it to make somebody happy.

Although these are directed at Christians who are considering boycotting, I'd say these are good rules to adopt generally. Along with these suggestions, look out for these people:

1. The Over-Zealous Regulator: I remember a pious usher once telling a congregant that he should shave his face because his beard wasn't very attractive. I must admit, it was eccentric and unkempt, but this was who he was. I myself have been prone to keeping my face unkempt every once in a while (albeit out of laziness). To this day, the man with the unkempt beard was probably one of the most humble persons I have met; I certainly preferred his company over any of those self-righteous men spewing venom from the pews.
2. The Conspiracy Theorist: Satan's influence can be seen in any and all news. I remember my church being up in arms over Planet X. Perhaps if you're prone to believing something so ludicrous as religion, you leave yourself open for all types of nonsense.
3. The Theological "Thumper": This one I found amusing. These sorts of people are the ones who go about fitting every aspect and event in life into some bible verse or obscure teaching- and according to the author, these people end up leaving the faith altogether.

I'd like to add one more thing on that list. Beware of those who think for themselves instead of dogmatically following the words of some preacher or "holy book". Question everything, and question what motives these "leaders" may have.

CCSG Chapter 7: Boycotts and Extremes [Part 1]

Read about this series of posts here, The Christian Culture Survival Guide.

There was a gay parade scheduled for later that month in the city where the congregants met every Sunday. This meant that Satan had a stranglehold grip on these people, and was holding on tightly. The pastor decided to do something in retaliation, so he did what God called him to do. He got together with a group of other pastors, and they decided to have their own rally and parade. Walk for Jesus, it was called. It could have adequately been dubbed “Walk for injustice and inequality”, as it was crafted from a pitiful hate against people who were not like them. Like good Christians.

As we know, Christians boycott and speak out against a lot of things (mostly because of unintelligent reasons). But when the good kingdom of God is threatened, the humble Christians have to bear their arms and put on their spiritual armor to combat the forces of Satan. By the way, that phrase is accurately pronounced “Merry Christmas”, emphasis on the Christ.
Paul Turner makes the point in his book that Christians may picket against any petty grievances. He has created a list of today’s most popular boycotts:

1. All things Disney: I remember a Christian group leader telling me once that when a new Disneyland park was opened, the staff would get together the night before and practice witchcraft and wizardry. Apparently, they did this in order to get a lot of visitors and to be successful.

2. Halloween: The night when Satan holds captive the minds of people who even recognize what day it is.
3. Pop music icons: Secular music is inherently evil.

4. “R” Rated Movies
5. All Things Mormon: This, of course, does not apply if you’re Mormon.
6. Alcoholic beverages, and anything sponsored by Alcoholic beverages: Alcohol is Satan’s favorite tool. If he’s got a vice-like grip on you, he may very well have the ability to turn water into wine.

Paul Turner recounts a moment in his life in which his father announced that they no longer were to purchase or own anything manufactured by Proctor and Gamble. He had gotten a tip at work by another fundamentalist that Proctor and Gamble was supporting the Church of Satan. This meant everything with the face resembling a crescent moon had to go. As disheartening as it was, Paul’s mother agreed (although she was the first to be skeptical). The truth of the matter, though, was that the other products just didn’t compare to the ones Satan profited from.

And here are five pieces of advice for Christians about boycotting:

1. They hardly work.

2. Publicized boycotts make you seem petty and ridiculous.

3. If you decided to boycott, be consistent.

4. Don’t boycott something simply because others are.

5. Don’t boycott without knowing the facts.

CCSG Chapter 6: Getting Along With Christians

Read about this series of posts here, The Christian Culture Survival Guide.

Becoming friends with the Christians at Church was easy. One simply had to look the part of a new convert (or potential convert), and you were welcomed into the ranks. Of course, most everyone leaned towards conservative value. Group bible study get-togethers involved me keeping my mouth shut. It was hard to truly become part of the group when you didn’t say “amen!” after every five sentences of speech, and raised your hand in the air whilst your head was down. There was a group mentality that went like this- If you’re not with us, you’re against us. I was the sheep cast among wolves.

Mind you, this following sentence contains a word I do not condone using, but here it is being used to prove a point. Mr. Turner tells a story of when he was a younger person carrying a boom box to Church, and upon walking in one of the ushers whispered, “How many niggers did you have to tackle to get that there CD player?” Mr. Turner makes the point of saying that there are some Christians out there that make it hard for the rest of them, like saying vile things as if they were nothing but a joke. I know the reason for this- they’re all human like the rest of us. Having faith in an unsubstantiated worldview does not make you a better person. Kicking racism and stereotyping out the door is a good start though. And while you’re at it, try tolerance.
Five phrases insulting to Christians, according to Mr. Turner:

1. You’re sexy! (This phrase is seemingly X-rated for the more conservative Christian types.)
2. I’m a Democrat. (Liberalism=God Hater.)
3. Would you like to see a wine list? (Because you know what happened to Lot.)
4. I don’t think there is anything wrong with being gay.
5. How do you know God is indeed a man?

Turner tells of an event involving his job as the editor of CCM magazine (a Contemporary Christian Music magazine). He received a phone call from a lady who did not like the usage of the word “sexy” in an article heading. She yelled at Turner, telling him that sex is not talked about in the bible. Of course, we already know about the Songs of Solomon, however, this woman then made the claim that it wasn’t talked about in the King James Version. She cancelled her subscription over one word.
Five things Turner has learned about other Christians:

1. When it seems you are going to offend somebody, then you are going to offend somebody.
2. Think twice before you think your criticism will be welcomed at all.
3. Christians judge first, think second.
4. Christians have a skewed sense of humor (as we’ve discussed before). Perhaps most of your jokes won’t come across as funny, unless they deal with bible stories.
5. A Christian’s politics is his religion, and vice-versa.

Turner then continues to tell us yet another story of his days as the CCM editor. This one involved listening to a demo CD of a prospective Christian singer… and then telling her the music needed work. The prospective Christian singer was astounded, and said that the Holy Spirit gave her the song. At that point, there are three things you can say, but I’ll only share the one that is worth our time- “You’re full of crap.”

The last sentence in the chapter reads something along the lines of “silence can help diffuse the worst of situations”. In Church, I held my silence out of fear. I would be looked down upon. I would be labeled with all sorts of horrific titles. Any minor friendships I held would have been lost.

Today, however, I would not be afraid to call those people out on their tripe. And whenever somebody else was looked down upon for being different, I wouldn’t put up with it. If these people knew me now.

CCSG Chapter 5: The Worship Service

Read about this series of posts here, The Christian Culture Survival Guide.

Worship is cringe worthy. I’ve wasted too much time of my life in worship services, time that could’ve been used doing something productive (like reading good literature). And from the outside looking it, worshipping anything just because it’s self-labeled itself “god” is scary. It’s scary because people are willing to suspend disbelief for an unsubstantiated claim and revere it to such a high degree.
Regardless, here is Paul Turner’s list of 7 Church clichés that need to go.

1. Announcement in the middle of praise or worship services.
2. Praise and Worship Flags.
3. “Visitor” Time. Nobody likes being called out in the middle of worship service.
4. Praise and Worship Guitar Solos. (My reason would be that “rocking for Jesus” is embarrassing.)
5. Interpretive Dancing. (“Dancing for Jesus” is also lame).
6. Five minute sermon prayers.
7. Any mentions of sports by the pastor. I have no problem with this, really, because it forces the pastor to return to real life (even if for mere minutes).

Don’t worry, though. Turner makes sure to offer 5 suggestions for churches to revamp their services. (This list isn’t serious at all).

1. Rhythmic gymnastics (to go along with the worship flags).
2. Pastors should enter from the rear entrance, followed by a mini “Jesus-parade”.
3. Making public displays of pastoral counseling to be a regular thing. (For those who like Dr. Phil.)
4. Internet capability.
5. Pancakes, bacon, and scrambled eggs instead of doughnuts and coffee Sunday morning.

Turner paraphrases Mathew 18:20 at the end of the chapter.

Matthew 18:20 (New King James Version)
20 For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them.

That’s right. At the mall, grocery store, or park (it doesn’t matter where you worship). But, I have a better idea. How about you decide to live your life, and recognize the moments when you do something good. Recognize the goodness in others. Recognize that you’re able to accomplish great things, without the unfounded belief in an imaginary being.

Instead of worshipping this god, investigate if he even exists in the first place.

CCSG Chapter 4: Church Involvement

Read about this series of posts here, The Christian Culture Survival Guide.

In an effort not to feel out of the loop, I looked for opportunities to volunteer at my church. However, not everybody would seek the help of a young, depressed young man. I did, however, find a place for myself. My job included me taking the personal information of newcomers, and given them a complimentary package of Christian pamphlets and brochures. At first I thought I was training myself to be a true soul winner for Christ Jesus. Later, I realized that not everybody wanted to accept Jesus, and some did it because they were pointed out in front of the congregation as being newcomers. Embarrassingly, and unwillingly, they’d go to the front of the church and mutter the sinner’s prayer. Our group (for some reason, dressed in orange vests) would then tend to these people. I didn’t want to be involved in that. For one, it was embarrassing wearing an orange vest for no real reason. Also, I was a bad soul winner. I didn’t volunteer for much else afterwards. According to Matthew Paul Turner, these are the more popular ways to volunteer.

1. Opening up your house for small group meetings- We had small group meetings on Fridays at somebody’s house to learn about the bible for an hour and a half. We might sing a praise song or two. This meant no plans on Friday.
2. Nursery- Probably the most dreaded volunteer service, though popular amongst mothers.
3. Ushering- Pass out bulletins and the offering plate doesn’t seem so hard. Traditionally, older gentlemen would take this responsibility. However, at the local Mormon Church young adults seize this task.
4. Teaching Children’s Sunday School- Popular amongst the young female adults in my church. Involves singing annoying songs, and telling boring biblical stories.
5. A Singer in the Praise and Worship Band- Popular amongst people who couldn’t sing in my church. Also involves singing annoying songs.
6. Janitorial Responsibilities- We didn’t have a need for this job. The reason for that was because we did not have a church. Sunday service might’ve taken place at the local school gym, or at a hotel.
7. Leading an Adult Small Group- This, unlike just lending your house for group meetings, involves you being in charge of the meeting. This may mean lending your voice to an acoustic version of the most recent praise song, and reading a bible verse and trying to make a mini-sermon out of it.
8. Special Music- I don’t see much of a difference between this and number 5. However, Mr. Turner emphasizes that if you cannot sing, then don’t.

This isn’t the only list. There might be other church volunteer services available depending on the church. For example, my church sold books, CDs, and DVDs before and after service. There was a volunteer service for that. (If you ever volunteered for a church, whether you’re a Christian or were, I’d love to read about some of your experiences if you’re willing to share.)

Mr. Turner also reveals two truths that I find myself in agreement with when volunteering for church services. One is that Christians are a group of people that are unpleasant to work with. Another, sexism isn’t out of the question for many church leaders. But this isn’t much of a problem when you multi-church, which is the practice of having more than one church. Perhaps one church is only good in one area, and you need more of god’s word (however, reading a good book is a much better option in my opinion). There are five benefits to "multi-churching".

1. Options- Your schedule is more flexible when you have an array of churches to choose from that offer services every hour of the day.
2. Faith Differences- Because we all know that Christianity has many different sects. Nobody of any sect can point a finger now.
3. Youth Programs- Your child now has more options to choose from.
4. Teaching- You can develop more opinions of your own when you have various “teachers”. However, I’d like to recommend reading literature not just relating to Christianity to get a real solid view of the world.
5. Relationships and Community- You get to meet many different types of people, with different opinions than yours.

I thought church involvement would make me a well-rounded Christian. I didn’t want to displease god. I wanted to be the best Christian I could be.

However, when I decided to research other world views that weren’t mine, I learned more than I ever did sitting in the pew every Sunday. Even if you’re a Christian, or any other follower of a different religion, I recommend joining a community with people who don’t think like you.

Perhaps they can offer you something more than your pastor may be able to- being able to acknowledge that there are other people in this world with their own convictions, their own flaws, but also their own beauty and place in the world(whether they believe in your god or not).

CCSG Chapter 3: The Pastor [Part 2 of 2]

Read about this series of posts here, The Christian Culture Survival Guide.

Types of Shepherds

My pastor tried hard to appear as a humble person, one who is slow to anger and judgment. My fellow parishioners thought he was just the most wonderful man. He was a singer, who even recorded a CD in church with the whole congregation singing along. He traveled by plane to other countries often, and according to the videos we got to see when he got back, was well received. But to anybody outside the church, he wasn’t somebody to be admired. The author of the book has described five different types of pastors to look out for, and I’m afraid my old pastor fits the description for all of them.

1. Pastor of Politics- My Pastor did not hesitate to bring politics into the pew. The political agenda was rampant, and we often tried to involve ourselves in social issues. We sided with intolerance.
2. Doctrine Man- This is a pastor who puts more emphasis on his own theology, rather than preaching the name of Jesus.
3. End-Time Fanatics- Just about every church sermon, there was talk about the “end times”. We, apparently, were edging closer every day.
4. Career Pastor- Yes, my church in fact was a business. The Pastor did act like a CEO. After church, it was all business.
5. Control Freak- Consumed with rules for you to follow, anything could halt the blessings god would otherwise bestow on you. I remember being led to believe that one quick thought that seemed displeasing to god would leave me without his grace for the rest of the day. I don’t know what basis this has in more mainstream theology.

My pastor, though, never had much of an ego problem. Sure, he’d sing his own songs for worship, but we all thought he wanted to be original. However, we had plenty of guest speakers who might’ve suffered from an ego problem. And as you may have guessed, here are six signs your pastor has an ego problem.

1. Your church plays commercial advertisements from your pastor advertising Wednesday night bible study (I’ve yet to see this).

2. Your pastor preaches… and sings, plays an instrument, etc. (My pastor did do everything. Either he had a problem designating responsibility, or he really did think he was the best candidate for every job).
3. You pastor has a fashion sense more closely related to the younger audience than the older. (Think of him dressing in the finest threads from the most frequented teen/young adult clothing store. Do way with the blazer and dress shoes, those don’t capture his zeal.)
4. Your pastor has a booking agent, publicity representative, and his own stylist. (Didn’t see this much.)
5. You pastor is stylish, and does ministering at places like the gym. And, apparently, is a self-described “metro sexual”. (I do remember some speakers who were concerned with looks over theology, but they were usually youth group leaders.)

When I became an atheist and left my church, I didn’t miss my pastor. I realized that my life was better when I used rationality and reason instead of accepting what another man told me to accept (especially if it had no basis in reality). Seemingly because of this, I was a black sheep who'd separated from the flock.

The shepherd would rather his sheep to stay how they are, and let themselves be fleeced.

CCSG Chapter 3: The Pastor [Part 1 of 2]

Read about this series of posts here, The Christian Culture Survival Guide.

Much like the shepherd watches over his sheep, the pastor of a church watches over his congregants. However, it’s blatantly obvious that not all pastors are the same (as not all churches are the same). Some pastors are “old preacher boys”, while others are “rock star preachers”. The author likes to put it this way- searching for a pastor that’s right for you is like picking the perfect ripe melon at the market.

There are three “stereotypical assumptions” to know when searching for the right “man of god”-
1. Over-zealous pastors (they’re hiding something).
2. A pastor who does not open his bible (false prophet).
3. Pastor with a shaved head, dresses in white, and speaks about space shuttles means you need a new church.

The author notes that meeting new pastors while searching for different churches is a hassle, and best to be tackled like a new relationship. Keep distance at first, and don’t get attached too fast. Rushing is never a good approach. And while you’re at it, watch out for these questions you may not want to hear from a pastor on your first visit-

1. “What do you think of my sermon this morning?” The author recalls a time when he was asked this, only to reply with a righteous swoop of an answer- “What sermon?” In my case, I’d just go with “Exceptionally boring.”
2. “So, do you think you’ll be coming back next Sunday?” This time, the author and I agree on the correct thing to do. Enthusiastically ask the pastor if he’ll be preaching next Sunday, then walk away from the conversation.
3. “Do you believe in tithing?” I don’t know about the author’s experience, but mine was one of the pastor telling the congregation every Sunday that not only must they tithe, but it was a necessary act in order for god to “shed his grace on thee”. And aside from tithing, there were several money pledges for extra spiritual blessing.*
4. “Can I visit you sometime this week?” [No, please, don’t.]
5. “You want to step into my office?” [I’d rather not.]

Smaller churches usually have a bigger sense of community, in my experience, so the Pastor is familiar with most people (if not, everybody). When I was a Christian, I preferred small, group bible studies over common Sunday services (My attitude wasn’t well received often in bigger circles, so I preferred this niche).

*On the issue of tithing, my church would usually pass around a yellow bucket with a happy face on it instead of an ever popular collection plate- as if that would make us feel happier about giving god what money we had left. Eventually, the church must’ve found this ineffective because they adopted a new system of tithing which involved having two large vases in front of the pew, so two lines were formed for tithing. If you didn’t tithe that day, not only would the pastor notice, but so would everybody else in the church. Same with the money pledges. I would often be left wondering who couldn’t afford lunch that day.

CCSG Chapter 2: The Church [Part 2 of 2]

Read about this series of posts here, The Christian Culture Survival Guide.

The Church in America, Today

When I was a Christian, I remember having a great deal of respect and fondness for a certain preacher by the name of Paul Washer. There were many Christians who did not like the way he preached, or his message. Many of his topics included rejecting the things of the world that did not necessarily displease god, but simply did not add to the furthering of his kingdom. These things often included enjoying mild things, such as a television program or other inconsequential activities. I, however, could not get enough of his message. Even as an atheist today, I have a great deal of respect for him as a speaker [and not a preacher]. He had a way of conveying ideas. And if ever there were a vividly sincere Christian, it was him.

One of his most blatant criticisms, though, was directed at the church in the United States of America. He believed that the feel good message common throughout the churches, along with ideas such as that of obtaining salvation through a quick prayer, was at the very least mildly heretical. He used his experiences in other countries [mainly a third world country] as the standard. He was correct, however, that the Christian culture in America is different. You won’t find many people in Haiti who treat Christianity like some sort of teen fad.

Circling back to Paul Turner’s book, the author offers us six interesting thing’s he has observed in the mere 50 or so churches he has visited. The list reads…

1. The church in America is beginning to trend towards a lengthier sermon. [I experienced this first hand having to sit through a 1.5-2 hour sermon, on average, most church services. Paul Washer may argue this is a step in the correct direction.]
2. Another growing trend is synchronized dancing. [I experienced this as well, with speeches of how “music and dance do not belong to the devil”. I’m positive Satan couldn’t care less about your silly music and dance moves. Believe me. Also, Paul Washer may argue this is a step in the wrong direction.]
3. The choir being put behind the congregation. [Paul Washer and I don’t necessarily give a damn about this one.]
4. Broadcasted church service, live, via satellite to another location.
5. Pastor’s spewing unexpected and outlandish things in church service. [The author notes a time a preacher decided to recognize the piano player as having a nose ring, smugly telling the congregation “How about that? How about that?]
6. Pastor’s warning their congregation not to treat C-level celebrities any different than any other person in the church. [Of course, the pastor would go on to announce that Billy Ray Cyrus would be playing at the Christmas service.]

The author is also kind enough to give us another list about what to bring if you’re going “church-shopping”.

1. Headache Medicine [I couldn’t agree more.]
2. Tennis Shoes [The amount of jumping around some churches have you do is a form of aerobics.]
3. Bible
4. Sense of Humor [I can’t think of anything clever to say on this one.]
5. Address Book
6. Voice Recorder [The author states it’s good to bring one if you’re ever hoping to write a book about your “church-shopping” experiences.]

The author describes the notion of “church with no church” in America- the very idea of telling the congregation that this was not their father’s religion anymore. That the church service was different from other church services. However, they included the same processes, (such as fellowship, praise, worship, etc] as any other church. That is because the church service is in fact the same as any other.

Perhaps the church in America is going through an identity crisis. I believe it is because the church is trying to remain relevant in the lives of its parishioners, in the lives of Americans. Nevertheless, many American’s are embracing the very thing I have embraced as society advances to a, hopefully, brilliant future.

That is, the practice of having no church.

CCSG Chapter 2: The Church [Part 1 of 2]

Read about this series of posts here, The Christian Culture Survival Guide.

The beginning of this chapter describes the process of looking for a church. As we can all infer, not all churches are the same. There are an incredible amount of different Christian denominations with their own doctrines and catechisms, and some of them have a different biblical canon. However, parishioners are the most important facet of a church. The author provides us with a list of fifteen church people to look out for.

1. The Bible Geek- Scripture Quoting, King James toting nerds of the Bible. The only people who absolutely enjoy bible trivia. [When I was a Christian, I actually wanted to be one of them].

2. Really, Really Nice Old Ladies- They apparently try to woo you with their free mentos and “God bless you, sweeties”. Also, it appears that they wield a great deal of influence, and are sharper than they’d have you believe.

3. Overly Enthusiastic Church Welcomers- Over the top exuberance is a tool for convincing people into not returning. [I don’t remember hug givers, but I do recall many awkward handshakes and “Welcome Brother”. I’m not your brother.]

4. The Rubberneckers- The people who are constantly looking around the church to see who’s there.

5. Praise Team Rock Star- Almost self descriptive. A rock star type, perhaps with an outrageous hairstyle and a gaudy guitar.

6. The Hippie Pastor- Perhaps a former long haired drug user, this pastor decides to study scripture more than interact with the people who he has trouble relating to. [I’ve seen more youth pastors with these traits].

7. Hardcore Hand Raiser Praiser- With the wild danc

ing, hand raising, and yelling of spiritual proclamations, the spirit of the Lord dwells within them as soon as service starts and lasts until it’s over. [These people made up 99% of my previous, and last, church. I never once felt comfortable].

8. Brother so and so- Perhaps the person who invited you to the church luncheon, this person always refers to everybody as “brother so and so”. These people are also the ones you intently strive to avoid at the end of every service. They might try to be your best friend, but be warned. They have probably tried becoming best friends with the rest of the church. The author suggests creating healthy boundaries.

9. Geeky Church Elders- Perhaps an old, church going couple that may be extremely nice to you, and willing to answer any questions you may have about the church.

10. Perfect Church Family- Composed of a nice-looking husband and wife [although plain], who insist on homeschooling their children [who are “perfect”].

11. The Zany, Abercrombie and Fitch-looking Youth Minister- Enough written.

12. Token Minority Attendee- Perhaps more common in mostly-white congregations, this person is instantly made one of the more popular members of the church due to their unique skin tone, accent, or nationality.

13. Pastor’s Wife- Seemingly meek and mild. She’ll break you if you ever cross her. [According to The Simpsons, the minister’s wife may also be the reason for the spreading of hearsay.]

14. The Desperate Male Divorcee- Middle aged, and possibly a very nice fellow, this guy is also on the prowl. He might’ve tried dating every single female in the church, to no avail.

15. Homecoming Queen- The epitome of perfection in the youth portion of the church. She has a few children by the age of 25. She might also end up “depressed, frumpy, and signing in the church choir before 30”.

And there you have it. However, if you are a Christian reading this post, I would like to add another type of person on this list. The type of Christian that I used to be.

The genuinely conflicted Christian.

CCSG Chapter 1: The Salvation Experience [Part 2 of 2]

Read about this series of posts here, The Christian Culture Survival Guide.

Baptism isn’t a necessary event that you have to endure in order to go to Heaven (according to many Christian doctrines that I’ve come across), but it is always encouraged. Mr. Paul Turner, the author of the book, describes his baptism and gives two reasons as to why it was uncomfortable.
1. Paul’s church’s baptism included getting completely dunked underwater in a pool, in front of the Church audience (all whilst wearing nothing but a blue smock).
2. Your heavy, overweight Pastor is also wearing nothing but a blue smock, and you’re ever so close to the Pastor’s semi-nude body.

I’ve been baptized twice- once when I was a very young boy in a Catholic church, and once when I was an older boy in an extremely fundamentalist church. The former involved sprinkling of the water upon my forehead, the latter involved the complete submergence of my body in a pool full of water. The second baptism in particular didn’t go as smoothly as I wasn’t very trusting of the parishioners in charge.

Before many Christian’s get baptized, they have to make the declaration of salvation. Many times, this is done during altar calls (especially for newcomers). The author’s experience and my own are similar in how our churches would have an altar call at the end of every service. You’d see one or two visitors get up, albeit timidly, and walk to the front of the church where they’d accept Christ Jesus into their hearts. In many cases, you’d never see them again.

Here are the tell-tale signs you’re going to encounter an altar call [according to the book].

1. When the pastor says he wants every head bowed and every eye closed at the end of the Sermon.
2. The people with certain altar call responsibilities (such as deacons, ushers, musicians, etc) will be making their move, rustling about.
3. Hearing the word stanza. (I don’t understand this one).
4. If the pastor claims, whilst looking around the room for potential converts, that he sees “that hand”.
5. If the song during the altar call begins with “just” or “all”.

Altar calls are meant for one thing, and only one thing- soul winning. It is every righteous Christian’s duty to win souls for the kingdom of the Lord, and under that standard I was a particularly bad Christian. Not only did I never win a soul in my time as a Christian, I would tend to hide my Christianity. At the end of the day, I would repent for being a particularly bad Christian, and pray for courage. I never received it.

When a “new dead soul” (NDS) walked through the doors at our church, his or her presence initiated a carefully orchestrated soul winning procedure designed to ensure the best possible odds for a quick and effortless soul conversion… A first-time visitor was labeled as an NDS using preliminary information gathered by the head usher. He would find out the individuals name, age, sex, and current church membership. The usher would then make the call on whether the individual qualified for NDS status.
-Excerpts from the Book

My own church wanted to be as cunning as possible. First, the pastor would begin the service asking everybody to greet those around them. Once the pastor concluded that everybody seemed comfortable, he would ask if there were any new visitors that day. People would raise their hands for recognition, not knowing that this action would haunt them later on in the service. The pastor and the ushers took note, and when the end of the service came about, these people were bumbling targets with minimal chance of escape. I once held the job of getting new convert’s information at the end of the service, for Church records.

Sometimes I would see the reluctance in these people’s eyes, and it is only until now that I can look back and see that something was wrong. Who were we to tell these people what they had to accept. We championed the notion of not judging others, but reeked of hypocrisy.

The author follows up his thoughts about “saving souls”, and condemns the act of portraying salvation as something you can obtain by repeating a variant of the “sinners prayer” and instead calls for establishing friendship first. I’d much rather people establish friendships for the sake of friendship rather than with the hope of “saving” the individual at some point in the future.

I was never at peace with myself.

CCSG Chapter 1: The Salvation Experience [Part 1 of 2]

Read about this series of posts here, The Christian Culture Survival Guide.

Sunday school

The author begins this chapter talking about the ever dreadful Sunday school experience. He speaks about the labor of not just getting the “ticket” into heaven, but living a sanctimonious life until the train arrives. There is a vocabulary word to learn, as well.

1.Holy Spirit Fist- When a preacher slams a Christian on the head with enough force so the congregant falls back immediately on the floor. *

Not all “born again” experiences are the same. Some shout and dance. Some cry silently. Others dance around the church like, what the author describes as, chickens. I can attest to seeing many altar calls which lead to these scenarios (sans the chicken dance). Also, those who claim to have been saved claim a feeling of warmth and calmness after the Lord has entered their life. In my early flirt with Christianity, I cannot bear witness to ever feeling this, or even weeping (and consequently, was labeled a bitter person in my extremely fundamental church). And quite frankly, I tend to feel annoyed when a child who is seemingly unaware for any reason (in most instances, because they are too young) is brought up to the altar. This is because I feel like it is the child’s right to decide what they are willing to believe or not, and that they should come to that conclusion themselves when they’re ready and when they understand. The same goes for baptism. Do the parents earnestly believe it will do the child any good? As for me, I was baptized twice, and ended up rejecting the faith.

A child is usually left in Sunday school class instead of staying with the parent during service. Sunday school can range from being nothing but a one hour story session, to an “old-school revival” type bash. Fortunately, I was never subjected to this, I only observed. The author recalls knowing a Sunday school teacher who was an engaging storyteller, but modest when he claimed to be just an “old farm boy”, nothing overtly special. This Sunday school teacher was also his father. He would not allow the boys to leave class without first having them bow their heads, and proceed to asking Jesus to enter their hearts. And with that, a book reading would go to waste. Winning a soul for Jesus was equivalent to making an incredible play in Football.

* I was once subjected to a form of "holy spirit fist" at a three day long youth "Encounter Camp". While everybody was at the altar, eyes closed and hands in the air, the preacher came to me, put his palm over my forehead, and whispered in my ear a specific set of instructions- to let myself fall on my back. I was young and scared, and in an effort to hide my neglect of religion in a room full of fundamentalist, I obeyed.

Never again.

The Christian Culture Survival Guide

Near me is a book that I acquired a while back titled “The Christian Culture Survival Guide”. It is not a book for non-Christians, however (though the author might try to tell you otherwise). It is a book written by a Christian to, from my understanding, other Christians on how to move away from the fundamentalist Christian culture in America and adopt a more tame [yet traditional] form of Christianity. I was all too familiar with the topics. In fact, I was quite amused. And there are some truths in the book, such as this excerpt from the introduction.

Why do we need a Christian culture survival guide?

Because it's a crazy Christian world we live in. And it keeps getting crazier.

There you have it.

Also, I've decided to make a blog post for each chapter of the book, going through the various points and comments. It's mildly entertaining, at the very least. Who knows maybe there are some valuable bits of information for the rest of us non-believers, and believers as well.

So, here's a brief title summary of what is (perhaps) to come...

1. The Salvation Experience  [Click here to read part 1] [Click here to read part 2]

2. The Church  [Click here to read part 1] [Click here to read part 2]

3. The Pastor  [Click here to read part 1] [Click here to read part 2]

4. Church Involvement  [Click here to read]

5. The Worship Service  [Click here to read]

6. Getting Along with Christians  [Click here to read]

7. Boycotts and Extremes  [Click here to read part 1] [Click here to read part 2]

8. The Dating Chapter  [Click here to read] [Click here to view cheesy video]

9. Christian Entertainment and Bookstores [Click here to read part 1] [Click here to read part 2]

10. Awakening Your Christian Life [ Perhaps not this one ]

[The posts will have titles containing "CCSG" followed by chapter number, then topic.]